Not About Love (This Love Book 2) Page 15

My mind was clouded with visions of the past: the face of the person who broke my heart…a naïve young man…an all too familiar situation.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  I felt sick. I was going to be sick.

  I ran to the bathroom and puked my guts out.

  * * *

  I didn’t call her back right away.

  I couldn’t. I was still in shock. I wanted to call my brother, but he was on the road and he had a show that night. There was no need to alarm him—although, knowing Lou, he wouldn’t be alarmed in the slightest. I was pretty sure he’d be the one reassuring me and giving me some good advice.

  Ally had said she was going to take care of it…, but what did she mean by that? Was she going to nip it in the bud? Fuck. My mother would be none too happy if she knew.

  If that were the case, she didn’t need to know at all. If word got to my mother, she’d tell me I was an irresponsible jerk first, and second, she would try to convince me the child had the right to live. Third…she’d probably say we were both adults and should be able to make it work.

  But, what if it wasn’t what Ally wanted? What if she really didn’t want to keep it?

  And what about me? How did I feel about any of this?

  My whole life was here in New York! What was I supposed to do? Move to fucking Amsterdam for my baby mama?

  You like that woman, a voice inside me said. Yeah, I liked her, but not enough to change my whole fucking life.

  A baby.

  A baby she was maybe going to get rid of. I didn’t like the idea of it, but I also didn’t like the idea of having a baby…of being a father. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I would ever be. Sure, once upon a time, I wanted to be a father. For a short time in my life, I had thought I was going to be a father.

  Back when I still had simple dreams that involved marriage.

  Back when I still believed in shit like true love and ’til death do us part.

  My stomach had settled, but my throat felt parched.

  Water wasn’t going to cut it. I needed something stronger.

  I needed to get out of there.

  I needed a drink.

  I couldn’t go to the usual place. It was almost lunch hour and Fruits of the Hearth, the organic bar and diner I went to almost every day, would be crowded with familiar faces. I walked a few blocks over to O’Leary’s, the Irish pub I went to when I wanted to be on my own.

  “Hey, Roger.”

  “Boyd. Nice to see you, son. It’s been a while.”

  “Can I have a whiskey? Neat, please.”

  “Isn’t it a bit early to start on the strong stuff, son?” He checked his watch. “What’s the matter?”

  “I got some…bad news. I need something strong.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry, man. What kind of bad news?”

  “I just found out I got a woman pregnant.”

  “Ahh, shit.”

  “Yep, shit is right.”

  “Well, what are you going to do? What does she want to do? Is she going to keep it? Are you two together?”

  “I don’t know. We aren’t…together.”

  “So, what is she? Your side piece? Are you seeing anyone else?”

  “No, I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t date, Roger. And this girl…this woman, she’s…a friend. We’re nothing.” I didn’t like where this conversation was going. I didn’t talk women with Roger or anyone else.

  “Well, you might have been nothing up until now, but you two made something together. I know you might still be recovering from the shock, but this might not be a bad thing after all.”

  “How so?” I frowned.

  “You two might work it out. You never know…things happen for a reason.”

  “Yeah?” I tried to go along with him, but I hated that fucking saying. No, I didn’t believe things happened for a reason.

  “When was last time you had a girl?”

  “Jesus Christ, Roger…are you playing the role of priest today? I feel like I’m confessing my sins!”

  “Just answer me, son. I can’t recall if I’ve ever seen you with the same girl twice, that’s why I asked.”

  “You’re right. You haven’t.”

  “Why is that? Why have I never seen you with a steady girl the whole time I’ve known you? You’re a good-looking guy, successful…so why haven’t you had a girlfriend in…a while? All I’m saying is…maybe you and this girl could give it a try?”

  I downed the rest of my whiskey and it burned in my throat.

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? What you got to lose? Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you can say you gave it a try.” He shrugged, and I rolled my eyes.

  “I don’t want to give it a try. I’m not a relationship person.” I slammed the glass on the bar. “Pour me another one.”

  He scowled at me and then started laughing. He clearly disagreed with what I said. I glared back. I wasn’t in the mood for this shit.

  “You’re not a relationship person—that’s the biggest load of crap. I hear that all the fucking time from people of your generation,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “Well, you know what? That’s a bunch of fucking bullshit, my friend.”

  “It’s not bullshit. I’ve done it once. I put all my trust in one person and she fucking ripped my heart out.”

  He exhaled a slow breath. “Son, you had a bitch rip your heart out. I’m sorry to hear that, but guess what? It happens to a lot of fucking people, and you know what? They get over it, and eventually, if they’re lucky, they might find someone who’s not a heartless bitch. You want to know something else?”

  “No,” I growled.

  He threw a towel over his shoulder and stretched out his arms on the bar.

  Fuck. He was giving me “the talk”.

  “Unless you’re going to live your life like a fucking hermit, you need someone. You know why there are all those fucking love songs about needing somebody? Because it’s the fucking truth. No one can live their life alone. You know why? Because it’s a miserable life. I’m not saying you have to find someone or your life won’t be complete…but if you do have the chance to be with someone and you push them away because you’re afraid?”

  I raised my eyes from my glass and glared at him, but he wasn’t backing down. I could tell he wasn’t done, and wouldn’t stop until I’d let him finish.

  “Yeah, son. Roll your eyes all you want. I think you’re afraid. This bitch you were talking about ruined you and you’ve decided you’re done for life…well, you’re going to miss out. You’ll never find love, never experience what it means to share your life with someone. I loved my wife. Did we fight almost every goddamned day? You bet we did, but there’s not a day I don’t miss her. Now, I want to be open-minded. Maybe this woman you got pregnant is not the one for you, but now you have the chance to become a father…are you going to miss out on that, too, Jackson?” He used my first name the same way my mother did when she was scolding me for something. I didn’t even know how he remembered it; I certainly didn’t go there that often.

  He took the towel from his shoulder and started wiping the surface of the bar. He glanced at me and pressed his lips in a hard line. For the first time, he seemed to be a little hesitant, but a moment later, he said, “All I’m saying is…just think about it. A child is not the end of the world, and who knows? Things might work out…or, you’ll have a kid. I see you’re getting angry at me, so I’ll stop talking and leave you alone, okay? Just…think about it.”

  I had gone there to clear my head, but after Roger’s pep talk, I had a million different thoughts screaming inside me.

  What was I supposed to do?

  What was the right thing to do?

  I thought about Ally. She didn’t deserve to have to face it all alone.

  I had to talk to her.

  * * *

  “What do you want to do?” I asked her over the phone.

  “Look, at first I thought about… getting an abortion. I have
never been against it per se, and I thought maybe one day, if it happened to me and it wasn’t the right time, I would get one…”

  “But?”

  “But it doesn’t feel right. I’m a grown-ass woman, I have a good job…I have no real reasons to get rid of it…except the fact that I wasn’t planning on having a kid. I’m sorry to put you in this position, Boyd, but I’m going to keep it.”

  “What? No, Ally…I’m the one who feels responsible for putting you in this situation. I’m an idiot. I have no idea what happened…I thought we were always careful…”

  “Me, too,” she said in a slightly more upbeat tone.

  “Do you think it happened the last night I was there? We got pretty drunk…”

  She laughed, and something in my chest ached. My heart. I missed her.

  “Maybe, or maybe that one night about a week before you left…we were pretty drunk that night, too…” She sighed. I knew exactly what she was talking about. We had dinner at her place, and then the glasses of wine started piling up. We talked, listened to music, and had sex most of the night. We couldn’t stop. She was teasing me about my appetite and said something about it being a full moon that night. I opened the curtains to check if she was right and the moonlight shone in her bedroom.

  I remembered thinking what an odd omen it was.

  When I turned around, I was transfixed by Ally’s body. In the bluish light of the night, her skin had this glow that made her look even more ethereal. I remembered jokingly howling at her and devouring her with my mouth and my hands, unable to get enough of her. I remembered her laughter and how perfectly happy I was.

  Yeah, we had gotten pretty wasted that night.

  “It could have been that night,” I mumbled. I hadn’t mean for that night—or any other night—to have life-changing consequences. We had fun together, but it wasn’t more than that. I liked my life the way it was; I didn’t want to change it. I had promised myself I would never get involved, never fall in love again.

  Despite how much I liked Ally, I didn’t want to change.

  I wanted things to stay the way they were, but it was probably too late for that.

  Still, if I didn’t get involved, if I didn’t fall in love, I couldn’t get hurt. Despite what Roger had said, I didn’t want a relationship.

  Then there was the fact that I had not stopped thinking about her since I had gotten back, and I didn’t like it.

  “I’m not expecting anything from you, Boyd. If you want to be part of the baby’s life, we’ll figure it out. Maybe you could get to see the baby when I come visit my parents.”

  Her words made me snap out of my internal ramblings.

  “No…no, I can’t do that. I can’t just forget about my share of the responsibilities and let you deal with everything by yourself.” I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself if I let Ally raise our kid on her own, not to mention the shit I would get from my family.

  I might have been a selfish bastard most of the time, but I never ran away from responsibility. I would never be that kind of man. I would never be the type to turn my back on a situation like this.

  “Ally…let me sort things out, and I promise you, I’ll be there for you. I’ll call you soon.”

  RADIO SILENCE.

  That’s what I got for weeks. He had said he’d call me, but he didn’t. He disappeared.

  Liar.

  I couldn’t deny that I was hurt, but I also couldn’t say I was surprised.

  Over the years I had learned to expect nothing from men. He was just one more name to add to a long list of failures.

  Despite that, a part of me had been rooting for him. I thought he would honor his word. I knew the news had shocked him as much as it had shocked me, but I had thought he’d come around…eventually.

  When I finally got a call, it was not from the Mr. Rivers I was expecting to hear from. It was Lou. I had given Ella permission to tell him after I talked to Boyd; she had been dying to let him know. Everyone seemed to be excited about me having a baby—well, everyone except me…and the father-to-be.

  “Has he called you?” Lou asked over the phone.

  I let out a breath. “He hasn’t.”

  “When was the last time you talked to him?”

  “A couple weeks ago?” I guessed.

  “A couple weeks ago? What the fuck? The douchebag didn’t tell me that. What’s wrong with him?”

  “I don’t know; you tell me. We talked a couple days after I gave him the news, and he said he was going to take care of some stuff and figure out a few things. I think he said something about coming over for a few weeks, but I haven’t heard back from him. It doesn’t matter, really.”

  “What? No, Ally. This is not right. My brother needs to take responsibility for what he’s done.”

  “I don’t want him to owe me anything. We…we just need to find a way to co-parent this child.”

  “Co-parent…that sounds like such a stiff word,” he scoffed.

  “Well, what do you want me to say?”

  “It’s not what I want you to say, it’s what he needs to do. He needs to take care of you and the baby.”

  I laughed. “Excuse me? Have we met? I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

  He laughed. “I know. I know you can. If there’s anyone who can do it on their own, it’s you, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that he needs to man up. He needs to step it up and be there for you. I can’t believe the fucker is just washing his hands of all this. Wait until my parents hear about it. They’re going to rip him a new one.”

  “Oh, gosh. Please don’t, Lou.” This is plenty embarrassing and heartbreaking as it is. “If this is the way he’s going to act, let him deal with it. He’s a grown man. He should be trying to do the responsible thing on his own.”

  “You’re right, but I’m still going to have a talk with him. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this—with him. Good grief, this is fucked up.”

  “Tell me about it,” I said, resigned. “Then again, Lou…I want to try to see his side, too. This happened, but what he’s supposed to do? Drop everything and rush to my side?”

  “He’s the one who put you in this position.”

  “Sure, it’s our responsibility, but I’m the one who made the decision to keep the baby. I think Boyd just hasn’t come around…yet.”

  “I promise you, things will get better. If he’s not going to pick up his slack, the rest of us will. You have no idea how excited my mother is. I’m actually surprised she hasn’t been emailing you or calling you. My asshole brother might still need some time to come around, but I can tell you, we’re all very excited. This baby is going to be very loved, Ally.”

  I felt tears pricking my eyes. “Gosh, Lou. Stop it or you’re going to make me cry…and you know I’m not a softie.”

  “Do I know that?” He laughed. “Listen, how’s my girl?”

  “Ella’s good…she’s been very busy but she’s fine. Do you need me to keep an eye on her?”

  “Oh, no. She can take care of herself these days…but I do need your help for something else.”

  Lou needed my help throwing Ella a surprise, and it wasn’t the first time. Two years before he had thrown her a surprise birthday party, and that was the night she finally realized how much she cared for him and that she shouldn’t let him go.

  This year, he wanted to do something similar, only this time, he was going to propose.

  * * *

  I was never the jealous or envious type of girl. I was the one who always had her girlfriends’ backs—sisters before misters and all that—but I couldn’t deny that organizing a surprise engagement party for Ella made me feel a little sorry for myself.

  Here I was at thirty-four years old, pregnant and single with no prospects of a partner or even a friend to raise this child with. I had yet to hear back from the baby’s father.

  I spoke with Lou a couple different times after our initial conversation and tried to tell him to leave his broth
er alone. I didn’t want anyone else to get involved in this messy situation, and I didn’t want Boyd to assume his responsibilities because his family told him to.

  I’d have rather raise the child on my own.

  I was hoping that now that I wasn’t PMSing any more I wouldn’t suffer from crazy-ass mood swings, but alas, I was wrong. I started reading some articles about pregnancy and childbirth, and it looked like I was doomed.

  Freaking crazy pregnancy hormones had taken over.

  I was distracted and moody every damn day, and since I had been cutting back on coffee—I still allowed myself one measly cup in the morning—I was sleepy all the time.

  On top of work—Grant Lightfoot’s case in particular was shaping up to be a real pain in the ass—I had a surprise proposal to pull together.

  Ella was busy recording new music, but she made sure we hung out every night. If I told her I was tired and didn’t want to go out, she would usually pick up dinner somewhere and bring it over. She was staying with Johan and Helga, occupying the old room that once belonged to her. Lieke was so happy to have her ex-babysitter around, even if only for a little while. I was, too, but since I had been so out of it, I was afraid I’d let something about Lou’s proposal slip, so I was constantly on edge around her. I felt she was starting to notice it, too.

  The plan for the proposal was simple: Lou would arrive in Amsterdam on Ella’s birthday, which was a few weeks away. Of course, she had no idea. He’d told her he had a work commitment and couldn’t take off. She was sad she wasn’t going to see him for weeks, but she wasn’t the type of girl to throw a fit. She knew they’d be reunited again soon enough.

  Lou had me renting the same boathouse he’d rented for Ella’s birthday. He said the place held a special meaning, and it wasn’t hard to figure out why: it was the place where they had been together for the first time. Ella hadn’t gone into details and I hadn’t asked her to, but I knew that was what had happened. I was supposed to take her to the place just like I had two years before, and we’d have dinner with our friends. He was going to surprise her by showing up and getting down on one knee. I was so excited for both of them, but I still couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit jealous.